


I need to heal my heart

by angelfiregirl80



Series: Prompts [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 10:17:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5536169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelfiregirl80/pseuds/angelfiregirl80
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Those words finally killed Sherlock Holmes, they were filled with hatred and pain, if coming from anyone else, he might be able to delete them, ignore them, blame anger for them; but it was John the one that was saying them, and John knew perfectly well how to hurt Sherlock Holmes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I need to heal my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, seriously sorry... It's really dark...

“YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING ME FOR WEEKS” John yelled at Sherlock as he entered the flat. Sherlock looked up at him with a hurt expression and then looked to the wall again.

“Where the fuck is my chair?” John asked with anger and resentment in his voice “Did you hide it again?” Sherlock didn’t look at him; he just shrugged his shoulders and kept his eyes fixated on nothing

“What the hell is wrong with you Sherlock? I thought we were friends, I thought everything was back to normal. You haven’t even visited my baby since she was born” At this Sherlock’s head fell and his hands travelled to his face and covered his eyes, he could feel the tears and tried to fight them back but it was an impossible task.

“I’ve called you and texted you the whole month… I’ve been meaning to ask you for something really important, but you haven’t deigned answering my calls, and now that I’m here you don’t even look at me” John’s voice was low now, almost like a whisper, anger flowing through every pore “I wanted to ask you to be her godfather, but it seems that our friendship is truly over now, that you have deleted me from your life… again” John was frustrated and hurt, that much Sherlock could tell. When John had said that he wanted for him to be her godfather, he felt a knife go through his chest, this was the ultimate offence, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Why couldn’t John just leave him now? He had given everything to him, and now all he wanted was to be left alone, to be able to try and mend his broken heart

“You are a selfish bastard, you know? You can’t see people being happy, because you immediately sulk and act like a prick. If the sun doesn’t set at Sherlock Holmes then the sun shouldn’t set at all, stop the world for Sherlock Holmes because he is the only one that matters, the only one that should be happy; never mind us mere humans, sad imbeciles, our happiness means nothing when the great and mighty Sherlock Holmes so decides” John spat, clearly wanting a reaction, at least a look over or a smart and hurtful remark.

Those words finally killed Sherlock Holmes, they were filled with hatred and pain, if coming from anyone else, he might be able to delete them, ignore them, blame anger for them; but it was John the one that was saying them, and John knew perfectly well how to hurt Sherlock Holmes.

“Fine, you fucking prick, you can have your fucking life back, and we can pretend that we never met, even that fucking blog can go to fucking hell for all I care” John said and turned to the door. Sherlock heard the last words he will allow John to ever spoke to him, he wanted John to leave, but he couldn’t control his mouth, he was crying profusely, and was unable to stop shaking; a few sobs made their appearance, and his mouth, that wasn’t his at the moment, betrayed him

“I just need to heal my heart” He said between sobs. He covered his mouth with his hand

At this, John froze and turned around, he had never seen Sherlock act like this, be this honest and open. The one time Sherlock Holmes cried was when he was saying goodbye to John before the fall. John had no idea what to do; Sherlock looked so vulnerable and lost

He moved closer to his friend and sat next to him in the sofa, he put his hand on his back and drew soothing circles in his back, but Sherlock flinched and jumped away from John, leaving his friend sitting alone in the sofa and moving away, as far as possible from him.

John was startled, Sherlock had never rejected him this way, he felt his heart break a little more at this, but apparently there was nothing left to say or do, he had hurt Sherlock intentionally, his words went sour on his tongue as his memory replayed every single one of them, he had offended Sherlock, he had hurt his best friend, the man that had given his life twice for him, that had killed for him, that had helped him go back to his wife and kid.

“I’m sorry” John began, he could feel the guilt build up in his stomach and go up his throat “I…”

Sherlock cut him with his hand without looking at him, he had managed to stop the sobbing, he felt defeated, John had already chosen, and he was no one, literally, no one, to make him feel bad, or wrong, about his choices, he had shown John how much he loved him, how he would rather die than see him hurt, that he respected him, that he had accepted that he wasn’t what John needed.  

“It’s fine” Sherlock cleared his throat “You’ve spoken your mind, and it’s fine. I deserve as much, after all you’ve done for me” he dragged the last three words “I’m a selfish bastard and a fucking prick. You’re right John, the sun sets and rises with me, and there is no one in the world as important as I am” He looked down, trying to gather all the strength of his soul, because he no longer had a heart, he needed John to leave and be happy “Don’t worry John, I’ll do as you wish, I’ll pretend we never met, and don’t worry, I have the password to your blog, I’m sorry about that, is my selfish self that has to know all about you,  so I’ll delete it, I’ll take care of it. I’m sorry I’m unable to accept your wonderful offer to become your daughter’s godfather, but being as I am, I’m sure I’ll do more damage than good” Sherlock’s voice broke but he kept talking “make sure to take care of your family, I wish you a happy life, good friends, that are able to protect you, to keep you safe, to guard your best interests as if they were theirs, that are able to guard your life with their owns. I’m too much of a selfish bastard to keep you with me, and by my side. It has truly been a pleasure to know you and see your happiness, but as you remarked many times, I’m the great Sherlock Holmes and I should face what comes next as the great Sherlock Holmes” Sherlock couldn’t believe he still had tears, that he still could breathe, he was dead already. With his last breath he said “You should leave now; I’m sure your wife is worried, waiting for you” He closed his eyes and let the tears flow freely.

John couldn’t breathe, he felt as if Sherlock had jumped from the building all over again, his heart ached and his soul was shattered. Sherlock had done all for him, he had saved John in so many ways, and he had left Sherlock alone too many times to even remember; he was agape, he never imagined such a reaction from the one person he considered to be the best person he had ever met. Sherlock had given John all he ever asked for; but what had John given Sherlock in return?

Sherlock opened the door to the flat and nodded at it, all he wanted was to be left alone; he couldn’t handle it anymore. John felt guilty and numb, he walked out the door and stood there, Sherlock closed it and leaned against it, John did the same on the other side, he couldn’t move, they both were crying at either side. Sherlock’s heart was pounding so hard that he didn’t hear John sitting on the other side.

Sherlock caressed the door, and John mimicked his movement on the other side

“I’m sorry John. I can’t do this anymore, it hurts too much, I love you too much”, he confessed to the cold door

John heard him from the other side; his heart began to beat again. He left the flat and closed the door softly, not wanting Sherlock to know he had just left. The days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, he would check on Sherlock with Molly and Mrs. Hudson, he would call Greg and Mycroft and ask them to keep an eye on him.

One afternoon, after Mary left, he was standing outside 221B, Sherlock wasn’t home, he was at the morgue, Molly had texted him with the news; so John went up the seventeen steps and unpacked. He put baby Violet (after Sherlock’s mother) in her cot and fixed his old room for her. He then went to the kitchen and made some tea and waited for Sherlock to come home

He was sitting in the dark kitchen when he heard Sherlock’s footsteps, his heart was beating fast, he could barely breathe; this will be the first time he’ll lay eyes on Sherlock Holmes in almost a year. Sherlock turned the light on, barely noticing John, he was too tired and all he wanted was to try and sleep, at least an hour. John looked at him, he was thinner, bags under his eyes, and an overall sadness that consumed him.

Sherlock went to the kitchen and was too surprised by John’s presence that he couldn’t speak. John took the opportunity to speak before Sherlock could say anything.

“Mary’s gone, for good. Violet is sleeping in my old bedroom, and I was hoping that you could find in your heart some forgiveness for this old fool that loves you since the first day he saw you” This was it, his last hope, he loved Sherlock with all he was, mind, body, soul, he looked for Sherlock’s eyes and tried to convey he was telling the truth with this one look

Sherlock looked at him and knew that John was telling him the truth; that it was true that he loved him and that him coming back here was because he felt that this was his home. Sherlock went to John and hugged him, all the pain from the last five years gone and healed in that one hug.

“I’m sorry Sherlock” He said with his voice muffled by the embrace “I’m sorry I didn’t say it before, I’m sorry I let all this happen to us for not admitting that I loved you, for not telling you that you’re the most important person in my life, for taking you for granted. I love you”

He caressed Sherlock’s back and tried to look into his eyes, but Sherlock’s eyes were closed, those were the only words Sherlock would want to hear from John. He leaned and kissed John in the cheek, and nuzzled his head in his neck. “I love you” he whispered.


End file.
